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Mafia Gazette Past Issue 10
26th August, 2005 'RESPECTED BOSS SHOT DEAD ' By: Firanca The notion of a slightly safer New York City was on everyone's mind, and lips on August 25th when breaking news was released- one of the Big Apple's most notorious mob bosses has been found dead. The body of the crime lord known only as 'Revelation' was discovered at 7:37 by an unnamed bell boy in a Times Square hotel, with several bullets embedded in his back. When NYPD officers arrived on the scene, they found a note bearing a cryptic message-'Good luck my family and friends, my choices were my own. I killed many people and made a mistake. Live long, and Boo is now the leader of the family, give him the respect he deserves. ~Tanzini Forever~' This confession of sorts was scrawled, police believed with his own blood during his final minutes. Officials are refusing to release any more information on the crime scene at present. A post-mortem will take place and investigations are already under way. Revelation, the boss of the mysterious LCN syndicate that dominates the New York narcotics market, had been under CIA headlights for several weeks. It is believed he was in hiding in the hotel. Apparently he wasn't hidden enough. The killer is believed to have been a member of a rival gang, and left no traces at the crime scene. What will worry the masses is that the assassination of such a key figure in a powerful gang could spark a gang war. It is with baited breath that we wait for a reaction from the underworld. The identity of 'Boo', mentioned in the note is completely unknown to police, and could be vital to thwarting the LCN. Anyone with information on this new figure should come forward at once, according to NYPD officials. 'HORSE HUSTLERS THREATEN OWNERS ' Owners of horses sired by Retarded The First have been warned to be on their guard following a series of incidents where a man who is trying to collect all the offspring from the famous racehorse has threatened the owners. A man by the name of TheFourHorsemen has been approaching owners of horses bearing the name of their sire and offering to buy. When refused, he has been known to become abusive and demands the release of the horse. Threats have been mailed to owners and several have taken extra security measures to safeguard their precious charges. Other owners of racehorses from this sire are warned to be on their guard for this man. He is known to be armed. Any one sighting him is advised to steer well clear of him and phone their local police station. 'THE ESSENCE OF SURVIVAL: FIGHT OR FLIGHT?' By Plato The average Mafioso is a proud man. In this thing of ours, humility is harder to find than 20 kg of cocaine, and furthermore, it is less of an asset. Our leaders are almost invariably the men with the biggest egos, the biggest friends, or the biggest guns. It is, then, perhaps unsurprising that every bar in every city is full of men who have tales to tell: tales of their own bravery in the face of danger, stories of how they relentlessly battled in the face of adversity, how, when the chips were down, they held their ground, defended their honour, and narrowly escaped with their lives. But there is another place frequented by these courageous souls, a place even more densely populated with men who would tell you such stories, were they able: the morgue. Yes indeed, it is a sad fact that these days, living a valiant life is tantamount to living a short one. A conclusive observation, you may say, yet it raises a very interesting question: In peril, do we fight, or do we flee? To reach, as it were, for our guns, or for our train tickets? An audacious man would scoff at the concept of 'Living to fight another day.' He would prefer to risk bearing a thousand bullets in his chest, rather than to catch one in his back. But how long before he meets another equally foolhardy thug with a better shot? What comfort does bravery bring beyond the grave? If it is only God who can truly judge us in Death, and most of us are beyond absolution already, what point is there in self-sacrifice, no matter how daring the circumstance? The alternative, of course, is the choice of the utilitarian man. To escape with one's life is surely preferable to having it abruptly and prematurely ended? With an airport never more than a stone's throw away and an entire country to get lost in, who could blame a man for swallowing his pride in favour of his pulse? Yet, here is where existentialism steps in. If our actions are the only means we have of affecting this world, then surely the legacy of our choices that we leave behind is to be valued above and beyond a few more days on this mortal plain? And if we do not stand up for ourselves, is the man sitting next to us expected to rise triumphantly to our aid? Why would he, if he too is of this utilitarian mindset? What lies at the core of this issue is, in essence, the oldest philosophical debate in history: The heart versus the brain, pragmatism versus principles; to die on ones feet or to live on ones knees? My fellow Mafiosi, if we can run, but we can't hide, should we fight? 'NEWSPAPER SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE ' The Gazette will now be offering a subscription service for anyone wishing to receive the Mafia Gazette by mob mail or post. Subscriptions will cost$200 per week, $380 per fortnight, $700 per month or $5,000 for a lifetime subscription (post option only for fortnightly, monthly or lifetime subscriptions). All subscriptions will start from the day after subscription fees are paid. Please contact Tallulah for details of subscriptions or to apply to deliver the Gazette weekly subscriptions. Anyone wishing to submit articles should do so by 10am Mafia time on the day of publications. Articles will be paid for on an individual basis. Please contact Tallulah, Editor of The Mafia Gazette, at the Gazette Offices, Chicago. All articles must conform to the guidelines available in the booklet “Newspaper Recruiting” available on the newsstand. ' 'WALKING THE WIRE ''' Comment Column By: WireRope '''The tell all story of Tony Atlanta I saw Tony’s post on the street. He was challenging people to a duel because he felt he could no longer live here. As a respected member of the community I thought I could ask him to tell us why he had decided to do it. He was extremely happy to help and told me he had wanted to tell all for a while. He said he wanted to call it “The tell all story of Tony Atlanta”. Sadly he never got round to finishing it, but here is what we had time to share. “Behind the Gun: The Tony Atlanta Story '-Getting Started-' When I first entered the world of crime, I did not know what I got myself into. Robbing a few old ladies, knocking over the local liquor stores, even stealing a few cars became second nature for me. I quickly found that my second home became prison though. I was your average nobody on the street, without any friends. It wasn't until I met the man Don_Gotti that I could call myself a member of a family. Being a young thug on the streets, I was hoping to get involved in real crime, organized crime that is. So after having a few conversations with this man I accepted his invitation to join his street crew and worked for him. After becoming friends with a few fellas from the family, I found that my calling was Horse Gambling and narcotics. I quickly racked up heavy money for my boss, but the family had no real direction. I probably gave over a half a million dollars to the family cause of getting my boss made, only to find out one morning he was killed ruthlessly. Without a boss or crew, I decided to stick to what I knew best. I kept to myself and began to earn by way of gambling and narcotics. '-Finding a new Crew-' I racked up the money, but unfortunately it left my other dreams unfulfilled. If I wanted to move up in this world, I needed friends. I kept my eye out for which crews I thought would be able to take me to the top. The crew that seemed to be going in that direction was the PriestHood. I expressed my interest in joining this family, showing off my skills that I possessed and soon enough was offered a spot in the family. I took the role of a lower member; after all I hadn't proved much to the family. As time went on, the family soon determined a HEAVY goal. The primary focus of the PriestHood leader was to eliminate the underground Chicago based group, TGOTA. Now I knew only what I had heard on the streets about these men, that they were in fact real deal killers. I stayed away from the action at that time because I was unarmed. During this small war, I was called on by the boss to hold onto the family's cash, because he was about to be murdered by The Gunmen of the Apocalypse. It was this small deed that earned me respect with some those I looked up to. As time pushed on, it was my leader's continued objective to eliminate TGOTA. This was an unrealistic goal, and in my opinion completely destroyed the PriestHood. I had to go my separate ways, I was not strong enough to take on TGOTA at that time, and either was the PriestHood. I had to part ways with this crew in order to continue to reach my goal. In the world we were living in, underground groups prospered. I would have to join one, or avoid them.” That’s all he had time to say to me. His life was one to be followed. I will finish with his last words. “Some of you hate me. Some of you love me. You will never forget me. I know you respect me. Always remember the name... Tony "The Baddest Effin Gun In The Country" Atlanta.” 'WE HEAR THAT…' Gossip column by: Trixie … Fishzilla was recently awarded a Doctorate By St. MoneyZeb’s. We are still waiting to find out what this former patient will be specialising in, however it is believed it may be piscatorial in nature ....TieDomiII really wanted to be in the paper, so I'm making him happy. Tie has been seen lurking outside a tiny blondes house throwing rocks at her window and yelling "You love me, I know it!" while wearing a tight wrestling outfit....He claims to like the feel of it. ....BarbieDahl has broken up with Ken and is now on the market. Fella's sure shes missing some key elements, but who isn't turned on by plastic? ....People are sick of hearing about mugging. And I know the paper needs to mention it a few more times...So here we go. Mug mug mug mug mug mug *Whine* Mug mug mug mug mug mug. 'HOROSCOPES' With: Psychic Scarecrow The Mafia world’s only bona fide psychic predicts your week ahead. Ignore the following words at your peril. Disclaimer: Under no circumstances can Psychic Scarecrow be held responsible for any inaccuracies in the following predictions. Cosmic winds and dust along with magnetic fluctuations in orbital patterns can adversely effect the regular movements of planets giving anomalous results. This week: Virgo Mercury is in transit this week as it swaps orbits with Mars. A time of considerable upheaval will result, especially when the TV remote gets lost amongst the discarded packing boxes. On the bright side, you will win big on the horses this week when the 20:1 outsider “Whistling Dixie” romps into first place by four lengths. Lucky Mafia Activity: Random Whack Libra. Thursday brings good fortune this week when an item of junk mail drops through your letterbox informing you that you’ve definitely won a cash prize. Just call the premium rate number and claim you winnings! Scorpio. Your street boss surprises you this weekend by inviting you for a private chat in his office. Is it because of your good work in bringing in the most tribute this week? Or is it because of your continued disobedience of the gang’s rules? Unfortunately, the crystal grows dark at this point but my psychic sense says to keep an eye out for the telltale signs of a gunman lurking in the drinks cabinet. Lucky Mafia Activity: Going Scarface on the local don. Sagittarius. Why is it that just when you think your luck has changed, some granny turns around and starts whacking you over the head with her handbag. Some people are just not respectful of our way of life. Friday brings uncertainty as Jupiter takes a day off. Capricorn. Chaos this week, as Saturn’s rings slip out of conjunction. Don’t think of this as a reason to hide away at home however, get out there and spread the chaos to others. They’ll thank you for brightening up their otherwise dull lives. Lucky Mafia Activity: Forging witness statements. Aquarius. Try dropping in to Moneyzeb’s Insane Asylum to pick up some new tips on bizarre behaviour. Friday will be a good day due to the moon being in fluctuation bringing out all the loonies. Be prepared for a long stay however, as madness is notoriously contagious and you could be one of the inmates before you know it. Pisces. The printer makes a mistake on your business card this week when he botches the Italian translation for “Always sleep with one eye open”. Unfortunately, almost fifty influential Mafia bigwigs have seen the mistake before you realize what “Ho un caso difettoso dell’erpette” actually means. Lucky Mafia Activity: Random, inane outbursts in other people’s conversations on the street. Aries. Your ruling planet, Mars is having a major effect on your life this week. This may go a long way to explain your over-riding desire to volunteer your services as an Enforcer. Be warned though, that statistically, Aries gunmen are appallingly bad shots. Take solace in the knowledge that when the mob wars break out, Aries gangsters are statistically better at hiding undiscovered in the broom cupboard. Taurus. Sammy the Bull, strangely enough wasn’t a Taurus. Jimmy Four Bellies and Belcher Brindisi were both noted Taureans however so the next time someone points out your pronounced paunch, take comfort in the knowledge that it’s all because of your star sign and not because you are just a greedy pie eater. Lucky Mafia Activity: Drinking bars dry. Gemini. Keep moving this week as there is a hired assassin after your blood. Travel often and alter your mode of transport at random intervals. Change your hairstyle and if you can afford it, get a complete facelift if you want to see past Sunday. If you’re still alive on Monday, don’t thank me; just wire me $100,000 to my account for saving your life. Cancer. The new moon on Wednesday will bring about stomach pains and increased levels of fertility. With this in mind, take care in the evening when you attend the gang party to celebrate Bulldog Giuseppe’s promotion. Cancerians have a tendency to get blinding drunk and wake up the next morning next to the HQ cleaner. Now, I’ve seen the woman and frankly I don’t want to imagine the hideous offspring she would produce. Lucky Mafia Activity: Actually making money from race horse ownership. Leo. Lady Luck shines on you this week when a mysterious stranger approaches you and offers to sell you a brand new shiny, never been fired, accurate to within half and inch .38 revolver. Unfortunately you will have left your wallet in your other pants. Maybe next time eh? 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to Tallulah at the Gazette Offices in Chicago. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines. 'REFERENCES' '''1. 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